I have had a lot going on.
I've also had so little going on.
Since we moved house in August, I can't seem to get back to our fragile makeshift schedule we had managed to create. We were doing so well with it and it seemed to really be benefiting all involved. I'm not sure if its the layout of the new house, winter and all the holidays it brings or if it's our general nature to break every rule we try to make in our lives. Whatever it is, It's driving me crazy and I long to try to get back to the progress we had seemed to make.
Dealing with depression and anxiety is hard enough in a normal world. After the days became shorter, I found myself slowly slipping back in, but maintaining a very decent level of happiness. I would even go as far to say that I was doing quite well for a few months. I think being keenly aware of how the seasonal change affects you makes a lot more difference in your reaction. It does for me, at least.
And then, the attacks in Paris happened.
We happened to be at a hotel in Boston for the weekend as part of my birthday. I was able to fully devote all my attention to the situation that was unfolding before me and I felt profoundly affected, like many other people watching. It affected me in such a way that I actually went through PTSD for about 2 weeks following everything. Those two weeks were awful and I felt like I was in a living hell. I would have constant waves of panic attacks. Loud noises would make me feel like I wanted to hole myself away. I couldn't sleep. I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't eat. It was very intense. It would not let up. I slowly emerged from it day by day, but I still feel on egde every now and then. I'm much more aware of the news now and check it fairly obsessively. I'm always expecting SOMETHING.
And then I'm not.
My personal life is back to the boring, stale, and uneventful place it was before. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I haven't worked out my purpose in life and don't know what direction I should be going in. I feel all over the place. I want to take photo's but I don't know what of. I want to create illustrations but I don't know what for. I want to make music but I don't know what to play. I thought about all of this a lot. I was trying to reason how life can continue in such a dark and dismal world. What is the reason for living?
I took a cue from the French. The Charlie Hebdo cover released soon after the Paris Attacks really spoke to me. "Fuck them. We have champange." It pictured a man drinking champagne while it poured from bullet holes all over his body. Basically saying, LIVE. Just live and enjoy it. If something is going to happen, at least live.